I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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