The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
