Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
