Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
