70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
