Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
