Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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