seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
