okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Randomize
