I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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