He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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