if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
