Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
