omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
