I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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