Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
