Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
