There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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