WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
