guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
