Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
