My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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