I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Randomize
