and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
