i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
