My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
