and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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