her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
