I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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