He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
