Christians are straight up FREAKS
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Randomize
