Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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