i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
