some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
this hospital has no fireball
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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