I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
