Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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