i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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