I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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