Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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