If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
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