I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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