You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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