Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Two words: blizzard sex
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
