areolas are like halos for boobs.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
