im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
