was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
