Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Randomize
