so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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