Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
