I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
