Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
