Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
