Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
